International Walk Like a Ninja Day
It has come to my attention that the universe is out of balance. The war between two factions in our society has gotten out of control. I am speaking, of course, of the war between pirates and ninja(s), already widely publicized and given plenty of attention excepting one small point.
The war is out of balance.
Now, you may be thinking that any war between pirates and ninja(s) would necessarily be out of balance, what with all the brash rum-drinking and murdering of various captains in their sleep. Disappearing parrots. But this imbalance is so basic, and those of us who support the ongoing war, rather than either of the sides, would do well to correct it.
Since about 1954, September 19th has been set aside as a day to Talk Like a Pirate. While this is all good and proper, the efforts to set up a competing holiday to celebrate ninjinity have been flaccid by comparison. I propose a new day to celebrate all that is ninja, and I propose that it be instituted on the 25th of June, in honor of the most recent ninja sighting. According to popular belief, if you can see it, it’s not a ninja. This belief must be mistaken. If a sighting can cause more fear and be useful to the ninja’s desires or goals, there should be no reason that he or she can’t come out screaming “yaaaaaaaaaah!” with his or her sword flashing and a ton of wicked ninja stars flying through the air. Even if you ascribe to such a belief, that’s just one more reason the day has significance, a near-spiritual awakening involved with having seen the unseeable. And, unlike the pirate holiday, most people will just be dodging around hilariously rather than trying to get you to put your foot up on a barrel for pictures. I ask you, the internet: would you rather have this or this running in the streets for a novelty holiday? I believe the choice is clear.