A Pyromaniac’s List of the Top 10 Fireworks For July 4.

Disclaimer: Mancinian Times, it’s author, wordpress.com, and anyone that we link to do not condone the use of fireworks in any way. In any legally binding way. Especially, you shouldn’t use them to set other, non-firework things on fire.

# 10 : Smoke Bombs

Smoke bombs are great. Not so much for the smoke they produce, or the awful rotten-egg smell that you get from them, though those are cool too. Smoke bombs sneak onto the list because of their hardcore burn-out flame, which can be used to light various things on fire.

# 9 : Sparklers (Unmodified)

Sparklers, too, are great. You can leave streaks of burning phosphoric retinal damage if you stare at them too long, giving them credible incendiary power. You can set dance with them in your hands and look like a 4-year old kid or a tool. I know, I know, a little lame, but at least you can use them to set various things on fire.

#8 : Firecrackers

Alright, I’m not going to lie: firecrackers are mostly here for the nostalgia factor. Firecrackers are kind of boring. Yeah, they explode. Yeah, you can stuff them into a can and blow it to it’s canny maker. They’re fun for about five minutes, and a serious gateway drug into the world of serious pyrotechnics, but it’s very, very hard to use them to set various things on fire.

# 7 : Artillery Shells

Artillery shells are a small boon from China to man. The normal person, by my estimation, could have one hundred hours of fun straight, given enough artillery shells. Plus, they can be used to blow up various things from far away. Or set them on fire.

# 6 : Missle Bases

Rapid fire artillery shells x300. You’d think that would give them a lot more climbing power on this list, and you’d be wrong. They can be used to fire up a cheap backyard finale if you don’t have many friends, or to scare away neighboring dogs, or, if the need arises, as an emergency location flare. I’m sure they have myriad other uses, as well, but I can’t think of any more off the top of my head.

# 5 : Bottle Rockets

Yes, bottle rockets. Those little things that your uncle taught you to fire using a stable and supported base when your parents were watching and with your bare hands at traffic when they weren’t. They have severe and debilitating deficiencies in the crucial setting-things-on-fire index, but they make up for it by the fact that you can use them to shoot family members and friends in the least devastatingly dangerous manner provided by commercial fireworks. Also, if you’re lighting a bottle rocket, it’s considered bad form to hold the punk or enormous open flame up to the fuse, then when it lights, cower away like a beaten dog in search of affection and meaning. Don’t be a wuss. (Again, this blog denounces fireworks, their users, their makers and anyone who would consider using, making or existing as them. Do not try this at home or anywhere you value. Do not point fireworks at people you like.)

# 4 : Roman Candles

One wonders how awesome Rome really was if these scepters of flame were considered “candles”. Imagine, you’re sitting in your dormitorinum at half past IX, doing homework by candle, and your Greek exchange student roomate starts freaking out like the sun’s collapsing. You’d just better hope he doesn’t decide to take you out and show you his idea of fire, but if he does, beat the secret out of him and bring it to the future. How sad: one of the great secrets, lost in time.

#3 : All legal commercial-ish high-flying fountain awesomes

Anything that you can get your hands on (with a proper licence, training, and supervision, kids) that shoots a huge bomb into the sky/ground/neighbor’s lawn which, in turn, explodes and showers lots of smaller bombs on the area is worthy of note. Note: can be used to set a large, large number of various things on fire.

#2: Sparkler Bombs (small)

Traditionally, any sparkler bomb made of 50 or less sparklers electrical- or duct- taped together and used the celebrate Independence Day or a drunken night by blowing up a piece of the country you love is considered “small”. If you haven’t tried this, get yourself to a fireworks shop and do it immediately. You will enjoy the results, if you like explosions and multiple colors and temperatures of magnesium-fueled awesome. (Always use fireworks as directed and never make sparkler bombs.)

AND NOW : What you’ve all been waiting for! The number one way to set things on f…. celebrate the holiday! The number 1 firework!

#1: SNAKES!

YES! Snakes! You know, those little discs that you light and they burn a little and poop out huge amounts of noxious smelling smoke and carbon? They are the best.

No, I’m just kidding, snakes are the worst: It’s SPARKLER BOMBS(large)!

Yes! What is better than exploding a small tract of land? Exploding an EVEN LARGER tract of land! Huge piles of molten tape and metal sticks flying everywhere? Fugeddaboudit. These are homeade claymores. These are the holy friggin grail of irresponsible (don’t) pyromaniacs everywhere! Yes! Yes! God bless America!

(Watch the whole fing video. What else are you going to do in the next 7 minutes that is so important? Nothing. So watch.)

Thank you for tuning in to this how-to of destruction. Play safe-ish, boys and girls.

(The imaginary lawyers made me remove the -ish.)

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