The Most Worthless Substance That Has Ever Existed.

When it comes to the concept of worthlessness, most Americans instantly conjure an image of Paris Hilton or some similarly apparent vacancy of a human body. Another common instance of worthlessness is the feces of the canine or, colloquially, Dog Shit. There is a substance that is demonstrably less valuable than either of these, however, and probably much less valuable than any conceivable substance.

The Zimbabwe Dollar.

Now, it’s difficult to actually conceive of how worthless this substance is. My instincts tell me that the  level of suck these things have attained has never even been considered by another substance in the history of mankind, but I’ve never been one to trust to my instincts alone, no, I will overanalyze this topic in the same way I overanalyze everything else: a lot. The most common note for the Zimbabwean currency is the Z$ 100,000,000  Bill. The complete and utter lack of value that this currency implies means that the most efficient way to measure its value will be in weight.

The actual, physical weight of the bill is difficult to find, so I’ll have to estimate.  A standard piece of printer paper weighs approximately .01 lbs. I’m assuming, generously for the Zimbabwe Dollar, that approximately 6 of those most common Z$ 100,000,000 notes equals about that same .01lbs. Accordingly, 1 lb of Z$ 100,000,000 notes is worth approximately Z$ 60,000,000,000. The going exchange rate of Z$ 642,371,437,695,221,000 to every one US$ means that it requires 10,706,190.63 POUNDS of Z$ 100,000,000 notes to equal one US Dollar. It also means that people have been far overpaying for their Z$35,000,000,000 eggs. Holy. Freaking. Jesus. The price per pound of Zimbabwe Dollars assuming a high value for weight and the highest possible denomination notes is $.00000000934 per pound. Remember your social skills in high school? More worthless than those. And now for the run-offs.

RD. 1 : Z$ vs Copier Paper

Copier Paper, Heavily Favored

Copier Paper, Heavily Favored

Z$, Worthless Upstart

Z$, Worthless Upstart

As we have determined, the value of the Z$ is accurately-enough-for-our-purposes valued at $.00000000934 per pound.

Staples.com sells this standard paper for at most 11.99 per 500 sheets, which makes printer paper surprisingly costly at about $2.38 per pound.

Winner:

Copier Paper, Heavily Favored

 

Copier Paper, barely sneaking in with only 254,817,987.15 times the value per pound as the Zimbabwean notes. This efficiently proves my initial theory upon hearing of the Z$’s woes that bleaching the paper an writing on it would be a great investment.

 

RD. 2 : Z$ vs Dog Shit

 

Z$, Worthless Upstart

In the course of my research regarding the value of Dog Shit, I came across many comparisons of the relative value of Dog Shit and the following: Republicans, Open-Source Urbanism, A man named Dr. Jai Maharaj of whom a second man named Dv. Gay Maharaj apparently heavily disapproves, the relative value of imbibing such a substance, acts defending the rights of dogs to produce Dog Shit, affirmations that after dogs produce it they might enjoy it a third time, disturbing testimonials regarding the healing powers of dog shit and other, more horrifying things. It appears that Dog Shit is assumed to have some value in the realm of conventional finance, but it’s a nebulous and much-debated issue. Arbitrarily, then, I found the value of false dog shit to be approximately $9.00 for about 8 ounces of fake Dog Shit. I then assumed that fake dog shit has roughly ten thousand times the value of actual dog shit, at least in those circles that enjoy a good practical joke. The value of dog shit, then, is approximately $.0018 per pound, or roughly 192,719.5 times more than the Z$. This means that if you use a Z$ to wipe the hindquarters of your dog after Fido relieves himself on a city sidewalk, the dog shit on the bill is roughly two hundred thousand times as valuable as the bill itself.

Winner:

Dog shit is immensely more valuable than the Z$, by even generous reckoning.

RD. 3: Z$ vs Vacant Human Body

 

Vacant Human Body

Vacant Human Body

Z$, Worthless Upstart

The human body is a difficult thing to quantify in terms of financial value, but the highly respected economists over at coolquiz.com have done it. The value of a human body, including the elements being sold off individually and the skin being sold as rawhide is approximately $4.50. The average weight of a human , derived from the charts on halls.md, the average weight of a human being between the ages of 20 and 29, the ages which most vacant human beings inhabit, is 145 lbs. The value of a human body is, then, $.031 per pound, or 3,322,749.76 times the value of the Z$.

Winner:

Vacant Human Body

Human beings, as philosophers have famously guessed, are not without value. They even outrank the currency of a completely failed state, if not a cheeseburger at Hardee’s.

Bonus Rounds!

Z$ vs water : Water is approximately $.0018 per pound in the United States, or 192,719.49 times as valuable as the Z$. It’s also disturbingly close to the estimated value of dog shit.

Z$ vs dirt: dirt is approximately $17.50/cubic yard. A cubic yard of dirt weighs about 2700lbs. Therefore, dirt is approximately $.0065 per pound or 693,948.77 times as valuable as the Z$.

Z$ vs Human Urine: Human urine (clean, even) will run you about 29.95 for two ounces. Urine weighs basically the same as water, so a pound of Human Urine actually goes for about $229.68. Congrats to Urine for being the most valuable worthless substance I researched and for being a whopping 24,590,783,095.34 times more valuable by weight than the currency of the country of Zimbabwe.

 

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