Dickens Workhouse Saved, Exploited

London – The workhouse that probably inspired the workhouse in Oliver Twist was saved today, as Britain declared it a national treasure. Like all national British treasures, and like the tenants of the workhouses throughout the 19th century, the workhouse will now, itself, be exploited for financial gain in the same manner that the tenants historically have been.

Dickens himself became a successful activist against the exploitation of the working poor after witnessing the day to day operations of this workhouse, in which hundreds of people worked repetitive and existentially murderous jobs in order to earn the basic necessities of life, including a steady diet of gruel. Fate declared earlier today that it is, indeed, a bitch and that the structure that essentially enslaved thousands of people throughout its working lifespan, which has now passed, will be a center of endless trivium as London names it a historical site and will now proceed to saddle the source of literary inspiration with an information booth, and though plans have not been officially laid out for such, a snack bar.

Beating Hemp was not as exciting as it may sound today.

As the lifeless eyes of the unfortunate souls glazed over in their 14th hour of beating hemp to make rope to justify their next meal to their heartless overseers who profited immensely from the toil, so now will the eyes of children glaze over as the slow, unrelenting drone of a narrator assaults their ears through earbuds as they wander between exhibits and advertisements, past the rack of pamphlets listing other historical English sites that have been enslaved similarly. Reached for comment, the workhouse itself declared “Though the years ahead will be tiresome and trite, and will surely involve making sacrifices that even I am not prepared to make, at least I will have the opportunity to make unwanted children miserable. At least I have that. Plus, the Tower of London has ensured me that it gets better with time.”

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